how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize