You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
