I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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