I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
