Your face is a jimmy john
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
