Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize