I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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