Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
