I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Holy sore nipples Batman
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
