i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Just invented taco cereal.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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