White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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