what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
