i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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