I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
