you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
