Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
