bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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