you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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