I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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