I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
