Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
