The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Never underestimate the power of titties
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
