I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize