I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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