if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
