So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
