You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize