he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
