my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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