i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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