I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
We had sex on a dog bed..
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
