party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
