life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I know her cup size but not her name....
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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