he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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