i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
