drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
