I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize