I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
