If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
