Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize