would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize