As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
How does one acquire holy water?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
