I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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