True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
be right there i have to get my cape
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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