Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
