Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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