So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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