I faked an abortion last night.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
