I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
