she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
