My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
