Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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