i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
