I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
