wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
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