Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
