Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
