He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
