I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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