I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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