Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
